I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
I just saw a woman point to her daughter and scream at her husband THIS IS YOUR GENES, THIS IS YOU.
He poured syrup on all those broken dishes because "syrup is magical, and by the time we wake up, they'll be fixed."
you can feel better about your life now. i slept with a guy who has gold teeth
I found her in the bathroom licking her screwdriver off the floor. she said there was no way she was wasting a $6 drink.
Apparently she came home completely covered in mud, pretending to be a bird...and she still had more sex than any of us this weekend.
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
I wanna give a stern lecture to whoever invented pants cause they are hard right now
aha we'll just say that my mind was so focused on A Bugs Life that it was hard to maintain an erection
Just found dollar bills in my sheets. What part of the weekend am I forgetting?
I love how you sexted me before you told me happy birthday. Thank you.
I started singing I believe I can fly in the shower and it was like the first stage of insanity
YO CONGRATULATIONS ON YOUR MÉNAGE À TROIS. YOU GO, GLENN COCO
Dude I used amphetamines responsibly today though. I snorted one in the am for work and then chewed one in the pm for other work. I'm an adult.
HE IS. YOU SHOULD TOUCH HIS BACK.
IT IS A COURTSHIP RITUAL.
THE MUTUAL BUTT TOUCH IS SACRED.
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