So you know how craigslist used to have an "erotica" section? And how after you click on a link it changes a darker color? And how Dad stays up really late most nights?
Oh god... well at least he's gettin some. Mom's a prude.
i'm drinking with a bunch of phds, i feel very stupid but good about my drinking abilities
she played "i just wanna get married" by jagged edge while we were having sex. why cant i avoid stage 5 clingers
I have to be home in time to watch my friend on that Lifetime show about having babies. And by friend, I mean the girl I had a lesbian experience with at a party 3 years ago.
there's a girl in the coffee shop just eating a pint of ben & jerry's
SMART GIRL
Nothing like cleaning dried puke off your floor to make you feel like you've failed as an adult.
drinking ice water after you brush your teeth, is like Antarctica blowing a load into your mouth.
Hey texans ride hard. He should have known what he was in for when I asked to sit on his face. The broken nose was a BADGE he just earned.
Oh yes there is. Now I'm the sad one. Please organize my life. And I will demoralize yours.
I GOT JUDGED BY A GUY WORKING AT THE LEAST CLASSY STRIP CLUB. Peeing isn't a right, it's a privilege.
I just did a booty-call caliber shave job in preparation for this weekend. Fuck being ladylike; I'm tryna get LAID-ylike
I mean, if there was a version of you with a penis, you'd fuck it...right? Like just outta curiosity at least
You sat on me. Like I was a toilet. While I was on the toilet. You peed a little.
I walked in on him fucking her whilst she ate skittles. I saw things no one should see, but I did get your bra back. You owe me.
Sorry you uh had to see that last night. That's the problem with open fields, no privacy...
Randomize
