The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
you should just get pregnant. that way you don't need to decide on a career.
i called him pencil dick in front of over half of his fraternity brothers...
...never gotten so many high fives in my life! fuck ya i win!
So you threw a sword at me last night
I honestly wish I could say that I was surprised.
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
It's official. Hawaii is 100% better when you're stoned.
He told me "it wants a kiss" WHY HAS THIS HAPPENED WITH 2 DIFFERENT PEOPLE.
Dude I woke up and he was pissing in the corner on his clothes... I called his name an he replied " I got this" and continued.
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
I found pix on her phone of me passed out and her sticking things up my ass. Its over.
I had a drinkin contest with a person that didnt exsist, fuck withdrawl day
Hold on are you sure that we dont have another roommate?
Yes.
You were talking to yourself and eating cold cuts in the kitchen when I found you
He kept trying to make out with me but I was just trying to show him Shrek memes
Do you think if I had a tempurpedic bed he would still be able to feel me fingering myself after we have sex?
You came in, yelled 'i am from the future' then puked all over the floor
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