If she sees it and stops hooking up w/ me then you owe me
The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
the guy working at the drive-thru just asked me if i wanna bang after he gets off work tonight.
given your current drought situation, im genuinely curious to know what your answer was
i told him maybe and gave him my number. sad? probably. but even if the sex is bad maybe i'll get a free burger out of it
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
I wonder who the first pervert was, and if he would be proud of me for advancing his art form by so much
You were pretty fucked up... decided playing hopscotch down the stairs was an excellent idea.. it was extremely entertaining
You threw a bottle at the bartender and then stole his tip jar. However, you were quickly KO'd by the bartender. Solid right hook.
I swear every time I make the effort to make my hair look nice, someone jizzes in it.
I just found a babydoll head in my sink where we ripped it off and did shots out of it.
I am trapped in a bar with french tattooed drug dealers who also blow glass art. Just in case this is bad, know what happened.
i convinced her i need a blow job every morning to wake up because i have a medical condition.
Nope, I'm sticking to passive aggressive punishments. Like mismatching his socks and cumming on his leather couch. OCD is so wonderful.
I have 3 bottles of vodka in my room telling me not to go to work tomorrow.
I keep finding granola in my bed. This is what I get for sleeping with a guy from Oregon.
i just remember singing the theme song from 2 and 1/2 men to my hair
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