if you don't start talking to me i'm gonna tell your gf that you said she tastes bad
There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
90 In a 65. Talked my way out of it with the i have to poop story. i am the ticket jesus
this blows. i told the guy at the bar that i was the DD and it was like i just announced over megaphone that i had genital herpes. no one will talk to me now.
Take in how we used all the shot glasses in the bar in less than an hour
He slow fucked me. Doggy style. On a porch. You never slow fuck doggy style. Its a law. A LAW.
I'm currently sitting on the floor of a hostel reception area taking swigs of straight vodka, singing with people whose English doesn't go far beyond Lion King songs. I thought you might appreciate it.
I've been told that their best stripper is on maternity leave. NEVER AGAIN.
Take a good hard look at your life. And the number of 18-20 year olds that you have made out with in the last 6 months... and then keep doing whatever the fuck you want.
how do you make "fuck me in the break room" sound casual?
are you listening to the theme from Jurassic Park whilst pooping?
I'm now at a gay bar with our relatives
WE JUST PASSED A FUCKING SPACE SHIP! NOT JOKING! A REAL FUCKING SPACE SHIP! THIS IS NOT THE DRUGS! SPACE! SHIP!
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