He dyes his hair, fake tans and lies constantly. What did you really expect from him?
A better fuck for starters.
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
He just seriously used the word "skeet." Can we please find another way to get weed?
No. Take one for the team.
she broke up with me using backstreet boy lyrics
you deserved it if you knew it was backstreet boys.
That bad?
Full length cargo pants, running shoes, and a partial unibrow. Alcohol really is blinding.
ill give you a picture of me naked for $5. im desperate.
i decided what we are doing for your 21st b-day: camelbacks filled with margaritas
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
I'm hoping you were seen by someone holding a frozen turkey at 230 in the morning
THAT'S NOT NICE
NEITHER WAS PROMISING NOT TO TAKE MY SISTER'S VIRGINITY, THEN PROMPTLY DOING SO
I forgot to tell you that he serenaded me with "Fuck Her Gently" by Tenacious D. And I didn't hate it.
WHY didn't you stop me from ordering $900 worth of socks last night when I was very obviously judgement impaired at the time?!?!
i'd like to schedule a penis for 4pm please.
hey sweets how's ur crotch today?
My professor just said irregardless, get me out of here
I guess he's ir-illiterate
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