I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.
Ordered my mom Mother's Day flowers online and moved on to internet porn. Do you think this is some sort of Freudian slip?
I love when I'm alone in the house. It's like pants were never invented.
I dont know why the TSA people are looking at me wierd. I mean there is no way i am the only hungover college girl here with nine tally marks on her hand and last nights glitter on her face
slow down on the beer.. we don't need another pentabong projectile hot dog incident
My professor just gave us a margarita recipe.
Why?
Because, and I quote, he "wants to give us the tools to succeed in life."
I found your knife. It was stuck in my bedroom ceiling.
Stop leaving me alone with my ex boyfriends after keg challenges. Woke up in his bed covered in what you think would be cum. No...toothpaste. He left a note. "Be home at four. Don't be here when I get back."
Bro if you were a bird I would puke in your mouth right now
After we won I just ran all over campus for a couple hours. Then made out with a guy on a bench
I didn't even know this guy existed until he'd had his hands down my pants, so I just went with it.
Ive already seen two fights and a clown urinating in the middle of the street. Hello Halloween 2014.
I just want cinnabon and vodka.
The cop told you he couldn't let you pee. You just pulled your pants down and squared anyway and im surprised you didnt get arrested.No more drinking for you.
Randomize