Sometimes I stick my finger in my own ass and pretend it’s a vagina. I think it’s kinda weird. What do you think?
My flask crushed my baggie full of aderall in my backpack, why can't my demons just live together in peace
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
So the crazy cock blocking bitch sent her a picture of her boobs using MY phone and said: he's busy at the moment
Tell him to dress up like Shaggy and kidnap him then bring him to me. We can pretend. Imaagination.
Dude, jerking off when you're all hopped up on pre workout energy supplements has got to be the greatest thing I've ever done.
She was to tired for head so she opted for a footjob with poor results. I dont want to talk about it
Got a text that the fed tax return dropped into my account just before getting on the first leg of my flights the Vegas. Fate? Viva Las Vegas!
In the pie chart of my life, she is a huge part of why I drink.
the conference was great. we had to hide the acid in a planter in front of the department of agriculture though
Successfully defrauded the county government. What have you done today?
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
Is it acceptable to bring pot to a funeral or am I going to have to do this shit sober?
Randomize
