the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
My parents showed me my IQ test from fourth grade, I'm shitting on my potential.
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
Expect nothing less than me teaching them how to do shots and put condoms on
BTW the amount of schmoozing I am doing towards some guy for an ID that may or may not look like you... You better love me.
I apparently made a "health and fitness" subcatagory called "drugs" on mint at some point. I used it to catagorize all of my nyc atm withdrawls for $60 haha
We were high as balls fucking in the back seat when we saw the blue lights. He's like, "I got this" and walked over butt ass naked and goes, "Sorry dude, we're just banging" and the cop apologized for disturbing us and drove off.
i took four shots of tequila, threw my fist up in the air, then went around the party showing everyone how to do the ninja turtle handshake. that's the last thing I remember
Nope I went the fuck home like an adult
Let me know. Show me one boob if yes. 2 if no
Don't send me nudes asking me to come fuck you on lunch break then send me a video of kids you're babysitting.
You will drink beer in a kiddie pool in your back yard but you wont bring a girl home
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
Drunk me also decided it would be funny to change all the passwords on my computer last night. Now I can't log into anything.
We bird danced in front of the bird cages for 20 minutes. I think it was our way of being like fuck you guys you're in a cage and we're on summer break.
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