My key broke off while I was turning the key. I can't pull the broken key out. Not only am i locked outside, so is the rest of the building.
So I'm stoned for 420, and have an eye doctor appointment in fifteen minutes
Are your eyes okay
I mean if I was Asian they would be
YOU CAN MICROWAVE POPTARTS!?!??!
Did i throw a brick at someone last night?
I can't figure out how to get this beer bong in my carry on without airport security questioning me as it goes through the x-ray.
there is beer in every square inch of this apartment and he hasn't even lived in it for 24 hours. we're playing some game that involves slamming beer, beer pong and smacking people's cups out of their hands.
I will not fill you in on the details until we get back, so do not ask. I got peed on by the girl I was hooking up with last night.
Do you have any pix of it limp? I wanna see the metamorphosis, like a cock caterpillar turning into a giant beautiful cock butterfly!
Think of something healthy and responsible. Now think of the exact opposite, let's do the latter
He's sending me pics of Yellowstone scenery...the only thing I can think is "I would have sex next to that waterfall"
Would you be so kind as to inform your husband that my truck is forever cursed by mashed potatoes and it's his fault.
I guess it's part of life. Sometimes your ex boyfriend becomes a drag queen.
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
Am i obligated to tell my sister her girlfriend was my one night stand three months ago?
I gotta do like a month's worth of catch-up personal hygiene today in prep for Christmas so extended family doesn't ask if I'm depressed.
Randomize
