The only problem is i have violated all potential new years resolutions at the new years party.
I looked at the bar tab this morning. The bartender added a $25 'customer asshole fee'. I have no grounds to dispute it.
He literally stopped in the middle of sex to look up sex positions on his iPhone...
Oh and jess is gonna pee in our guest bedroom to mark her territory.
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
I literally put my pussy on his sideburns, it was awkward
There's a lil minaj in everyone
I've got my wine, though it wasnt very good so I threw a sour patch kid in it
You made out with two different species that night
I snorted a few ambien and woke up here. A lady banged on our door, waking us up, demanding our towels.
Dude he did say "let's go cougar hunting" and you KNEW your mom was going out last night...so it's kind of your own fault for not coming
You pole danced in your parka.
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
He will forever be known as the toe sucker who may or may not have been a father
He can't say no, it's my spiritual goddamn quest.
next time you go get food at three am and leave a rando here can you warn me??? Also i tazed him. but it was just my little one so i think he'll be fine. bring me some fries.
Randomize
