Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
You were so trashed that when you dropped your fruit rollup on the floor, you just sat next to it and cried.
You are the sheppard guiding my vagina away from horrible decisions.
K. On the way. I need a drink.
Like a drink drink or like water?
Have we met?
Ohh man. That was a snatch-waxer with a score to settle.
I could go for watching some naked price is right. Looks like a good time to me.
Ooo, yeah! Thanksgiving will be a blast. Can't fuckin wait for the next round of "have you found a nice young man yet?" Followed by a lovely helping of "don't worry, there's someone out there for you."
Guess who isn't pregnant with a random sex ocean baby?!?!
She's really sweet and cute, but when she drinks, she becomes way too proud of her bush.
I sexted him with a GIF from titanic and it worked....
Today, this cop risk his life to save me from a sink hole but all I could do is laugh, I was so stoned
I just drunkenly accidentally had sex with my boss
Did you at least ask for a raise?
No but I am now the owner of one of either his or his roomate's teeshirts... Maybe I can use it to negotiate?
Your amazing boobs made me fall in love with boobs. I never cared about boobs you should be proud
Is this making any sense, because I’m puking and trying to be Philosophical right now
No. I'm home alone and 100% dickless. I hate my life.
Randomize
