I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
Yea. The knew something was up when i told them i had to go pick up goat milk and and and a roasted chicken at 2 am
Take xtc, wait 20 minutes and then take a shower. Trust me.
hey bro how do you do that fake vagina thing with the tp roll? im bored.
I broke his nose at the bar and he still went home with me.
I think i lit a firework with a joint. happy birthday, america?
Got my bloodwork back and my liver is in tip top shape. Apparently blacking out 5 nights a week isn't cutting it, so we've got to step it up until I see that all of my hard work is actually paying off and doing some damage.
If thou arrisest to consciousness before I, rise me to an office of alertness for occupations such as brunch. Warm Regards, your roommate.
I woke up sandwiched between them, all of us naked, and they were just sharing a cigarette, a donut, and the paper like it was just some normal post-threesome Sunday brunch.
I just woke up to myself peeing the bed. Happy hump day! I'll never get married.
You don't even know. The entire marching band thinks I'm an alcoholic.
she's the poster child for how alcoholism can be fun.
That's really the only reason I'm dating you, the prospect that I might get bacon
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
Look, I am sorry I shaved your cat...but get over it.
Randomize
