I have a feeling we are going to become cougars together.
I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
that was the first time i tried it. why is it all sticky? its like somebody threw a glue bottle at my face.
watching elf naked is so much better than watching it with clothes on .
he's having a long distance Facebook-coordinated power hour. the status update has 159 comments ...
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
I'm in the library if you wanna come give me library head.
If there was a game called "keeping your legs shut," I would lose every time.
Theres dried jager, barbecue sauce and frie remnants all over my front seat.
But it's a terrible idea. One erection and it's gonna go wrong
A total of 95 cents was stuck to my ass the next morning.
I think I just cured my dogs munchies
You were a hurricane of blowjobs and glitter makeup. You came out of the closet and took the house down with it
HOW THE FUCK CAN YOU NOT REMEMBER WHIPPING IT OUT AND PUTTING ON THE BAR?
By the way, you're banned for life.
you hit your head on the sneeze guard and passed out at Pizza Hut they called the police
Randomize
