No one appreciates an amoeba in a balloon hat.
well I can't set my house on fire every night
why are there beer bottles in my dishwasher?
other girls like to lick balls but none of them live for it like u do
can you pick up eggs and chocolate sauce on your way home?
what kind of party is this?
the best kind ever
The freshman next to me just said "I was rocking out on my way here to Dave Matthews..." I wish I would have passed this class the first time.
I feel like I've been drunk all of June. And I am in NO WAY ashamed about it.
She bent over while grinding on me on the dance floor and her thong straps were hanging out, I thought it was a good idea to grab the straps with both hands and pretend to be riding in Santa's sleigh...not my brightest moment.
I think we need to stage an Intervention. Her Instagram is a call for help.
Remember when you tried to talk but you could only count by 2s?
I'm not dealing with this wiskey dick shit, 2016 is the year of hard dicks
On a scale of 1 to alcoholic in withdrawal how ready will you be to start drinking as soon as you arrive on campus?
Yeah. I fucked her boyfriend, she knows, and she still wants to keep dating him. That's love.
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
Randomize
