Do you have a straightener and are extra lubricated condoms not the norm?
saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
Also, i'm pretty sure i've had my birth control pill stuck in my throat since like...two pm. So i'll be practicing safe oral sex tonight.
look mate, i'm pretty sure 14 texts saying "fuck me. fuck me now" more than passes the legal benchmark for consent.
It's offcial there's a Bobby Light radio station on pandora.
I woke up with a random mailbox in my room with a note that said "this should probably be returned. Happy Thursday!"
Just had a stripper snatch my glasses off my face with her ass
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
I just want a teacup pet pig so I can take him to parties with me and never have to walk home alone again.
Did you go to church in Texas and sign me up?
You need southern Jesus
His friend still there? Be like "I need to see both of your dicks ASAP"
I was supremely disappointed in the lack of dick and doughnuts in my life last week.
all I remember is grinding on everyone in the room regardless of gender and quoting the lion king non-stop. We need to stop buying Jameson.
I woke up in the middle of the night with my dick out and my electric blanket on high. It's like she wanted a hot dog.
Nothing says I'm doing some sketchy shit like coming out of your bedroom with your underwear inside out
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