Of course im so fucked up sarah. I fight away tornadoes.
Pls don't use the words alligator, purple, and sperm in the same sentence ever again.
Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
I was in holding with a guy that got a DUI on a hover round. He was so nice. We're hanging out tonight.
just spent $80 on an im sorry breakfast from mcdonalds for everyone sleeping in my apartment for being a drunkass and locking everyone out of the apartment at 2am.
I just need to go to a bar tonight wrapped in an American flag singing the national anthem
The girl beside me at the laundromat is bitching a guy out on the phone for jizzing on her bedspread. She had to use a triple machine to wash it.
He was rocking just a diaper, shoes, and a gun. Sadly, I would still hit it.
sorry for laughing and taking pictures while you were having an asthma attack on st. patricks day
Like I'm sorry but "it'll be fine trust me" IS NOT VERY REASSURING ASSHAT. Now take off your pants.
oh my god I have a fantastic druncle story to tell you. It involves a burrito, a meltdown and a bear
The burrito and meltdown are standard, but I'm intrigued by the bear
I'm still getting random messages from guys about my Halloween outfit. Electrical tape is coming back next year
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
Just by hearing the girl outside reciting the info on her fake ID, I know it's gonna be a good night
my boobs just made me lose a game of beer pong. the balls hit them, bounced off and into the cup. twice. ive never been so disappointed in them.
Randomize
