You stressed the importance of not breaking the seal too early... and then proceeded to piss your pants when you sneezed.
A piece of cheeseburger just fell between my tits. Consider this a "wish you were here" postcard.
You were dancing around the clubbing yelling "best wingman ever" and raising your cast in the air
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
yea. Don't mess. He will heal me. But my blowjobs will be historical.
Aside from the slim chance of pregnancy, I'm gonna call last night a raging success.
We need to step up our tailgating...they're here drinking out of a prosthetic leg
pretty sure I blew his mind with the sex last night. He repaid me with a five minute conversation about power rangers.
Oh my god. We just got locked out of our cabin and went to the neighbor's to see if they had a key and caught the neighbor jerking it. My night > your night
Looking for my adderal, only found acid. What a shame
I think he has some internal "man stuff" that keeps getting in the way.
Like alcoholism and general douchbagary.
I can check masterbating in China off the bucket list.
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
I've peed in two sinks in the past two weeks. No one should be able to say that.
He asked me to describe my life outside work. I responded with "Home-wrecker.
Randomize
