I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
highlight from tonight: i hit on her and her mother.
you kept yelling something about watching the muppets chirstmas carol and trying to turn the t.v. on with your car keys
took 5 apple pie shots. caution: flames. not digestable.
it can't be normal that my body odor smells like fries
I can't begin to describe what I look like walking through the grocery store with this outfit and chocolate syrup.
Grad practice is like a live scrapbook of my drunken sexual encounters
what do i owe you?
$237.46 to be exact.
if im having that much fun on the weekend i better start remembering it.
But the drunk streaking fizzled when one of jake's friends took a piss while running with a massive erection.
I woke up at 4 am. Literally pissed. No idea what happened. I could have fucked a cow.
I woke up in a toga after going to a Hawaiian party. I don't even know.
I'll screw just about anything, but I draw the line there
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
This toilet bowl is my home.
I refuse to fake an orgasm. If I'm dating him, he better work for that shit.
Randomize
