If i'm not hungover, near death, and wondering what i did the night before on Monday, life is not worth living.
I hit her tiny dog with a horseshoe an hour ago. Her and her mom cried as it laid on the ground shaking. Im drunk.
The extent of my physical activity is running from the cops.
She just broke down showed up grabbed a beer said fuck it pulled off her fake eyelashes looked at my roommate and said we need to break up you're a nice guy and I'm a whore
You were chugging tap water out of a running blender screaming "bubbles is Perrier mother fucker"
One minute you were celebrating, the next you were bleeding all over your Nikes.
I kinda took a step back after our "surprise bottles night"
Let's play "Guess What I Just Found In My Vagina?"
I got custody of our girlfriend in the breakup.
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
just had sex in a stairwell with six feet five inches worth of drama
There was puke outside of my classroom and lecture was half empty. Damn thirsty thursday is intense
Why is there an inflatable flamingo in the backseat of my car?
Im drinking a CAN of bud light at the bar. Do you really think I care anymore?
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