I cant wait for your democrat phase to be over.
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
the arrest was probably divine intervention, cause i think we were heading to an ill-advised threesome.
We had sex in the bathroom. Then he told me I could watch him pee.
Im having a christmas reunion party tonight. Last year i ate my own contact. We'll see how this year goes
im eating mac and cheese with a makeup brush. there is wayyyyy too much wrong with this night.
We found you in the middle of the road chucking gravel because "the house was too far away".
Anyone see the sob who took the piñata?
Like I just asked Greg why I don't have a crown for my vagina. That drunk.
Being a slave to ur dick is exhausting.
Can I come over and use your shower? My roommate got drunk last night and took my bathroom door off its hinges
My boobs look fucktastic, I have a booty call on Sunday and a dick photo on my phone. Life is grand!
I twisted my ankle while drunkenly playing in my adult kickball league. Now I'm having to use my grandpa's cane to walk at this party. I am so single.
I'm peeing on your house...you up?
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
Randomize
