so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
I do not want to touch your penis after this conversation.
While at warped tour today a girl was crowd surfing and her vagina landed in my face, I call that a successfull day.
The moment you realize you should grow up: you're snorting your fathers percocet script with your old health insurance card, while your parents are on a 10 day cruise in the carribean...
At this point can I suggest a mail away bride. You judge Nick but you are a strange dude and that may be your ticket.
sorry bout that man. went out to pay the pizza boy, ended up hooking up with some random drunk girl that thought i was someone else
Note to self. Don't order a $10 bottle of wine on a 40 min flight because it seems like a good deal.
God you're perfect.
I am. So drunk right now. Good work, Frontier.
Just woke up with an eye that wont open, a half eaten piece of pizza on my chest and a raging boner.
Please tell me there is not a bookmark on your browser with the title "Christmas Porn"
She's going to be the first to die of too much illness. Not even super bad stuff like cancer but like for having a cold at the same time as a sore throat and chlamydia or something. Just too much diseases.
I'm on day 4 of clean eating. I call it the "whore by June" program
Stop calling him just to say, "my vagina misses you."
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE A DRUNK WHEN ALL MY ENABLERS ARE BUSY?!
Oh. My. God. It is NOT okay to drink Johnny Walker when there is no Jameson. My skull is eating my brain.
What's a professional way to say get your shit in gear?
Randomize
