You are an awful beat friend I am goin to die in a car accident and then my corpse is going to be used by criminals ala weekend at bernies to rob a bank then my corpse will go to jail Thanks john Thanks for nuthin
well look at the bright side
maybe you can be on an episode of "I Didn't Know I Was Pregnant"
I just discovered the Reese's pieces and sourdough bread sandwich. No signs of coming down.
just letting you know that jen either: wasn't feeling well and ate grass to make herself throw up or threw up because she's stupid and ate grass
well in DOG beers, i've only had one
We sat in his closet and drank four loko out of my camelbak for an hour in the dark. You tell me how my night went.
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
Oh! You were the one walking around cradling the bottle of Fireball all night!
I hung my underwear from the tree in his front yard. Consider my territory marked.
the only reason I'm still sleeping with him is to get the university's secure wifi password
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
Dude, I'm telling you, date younger. He brought pizza, made me squirt twice, and then left to immediately go to brunch with his mom.
I was doing good, then they gave me free shots
Bro, that'd be the third dick I've taken down in the office.
Randomize
