Hey i just realized that im masturbating in the exact same kind of chair that they are doing it on in this porno
sometimes i really wish you were a nugget.
My boss just gave me full permission to come into work wasted this weekend.
One fish gets drugged and suddenly I'm labeled a bad pet owner. This is so unfair.
He dodged my hug and greeted me with a fist bump. I slept with him the night before. The only thing worse would have been a greeting by chest bump.
you're expensive. Idk about all this. What happened to free make outs?
Sobriety and mild self-respect
Eating cold pizza and drinking a beer for breakfast while standing in a hotel window naked is how I say hello September...
The Medal of Honor you banged could be at the inauguration today. You really dropped the ball on keeping up with that one.
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
I will be single by the day my lease is up (234 days). Plan accordingly.
I spent the last 6 months operating under the assumption that I HADNT fucked a paramedic. I was wrong.
He said he wanted to sit next to the fountain so he could "watch the water hit the other water".
Why the fuck was I face down on the floor with you mounting me like a horse anyway? I'm so confused
its weird getting into a political debate with a pony dressed as an anime character online
The usual, icing my vag with a chimichanga.
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