your room smells of hookers.
And success
i wish that high-me and normal-me were two different ppl so that high-me could thank normal-me for setting out a feast before smoking
I wish that high-you wouldn't text me stupid shit at 3:30 in the morning
you came home covered in oatmeal wearing a tutu holding a stolen wrotting pumpkin and "its a girl" balloons tied around your neck.you were whispering the lyrics to aaron carters 'aarons party'. i think the real question was what DIDNT you drink last night
i don't want a singing card. it disturbs my hangover. give me a pack of cigs taped to a bottle of wine and fuck me without a condom. happy vday baby.
I brought up my Bobbly Flay drinking game in the interview. Of course I got the job.
Then she yelled something like "YOU HAVE SO MANY FORKS!" before collapsing on the floor
just found out i can blow out the flame on the grill lighter fill my mouth with butane and ignite a fireball
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
He only likes me when I'm naked and I don't like being around him clothed. It's the perfect relationship.
Starting St Patrick's Weekend, non stop flights on Pacific Whorelines to the scenic HotMessXpress. Get the cougars ready, it's gonna get weird.
I'd cum for enchiladas.
Drunk yet?
Well I just did the worm on an empty dance floor while the bridesmaids were serving cake. You tell me.
You sent 2 glasses of water to the table next us and told to the waitress they were on you. I repeat: water
He climbed on the counter and announced it was time for something called The Cocktacular and all the girls immediately left. He cockblocked the entire fraternity!
I'm the only person I know that carries solo cups, shot glasses, ping pong balls, two decks of cards, and a lawn chair in his trunk. I'm ready to turn anything, anywhere into a party.
Randomize
