go do what you do best...puke behind churches
It was at that point the crowd that gathered realized i wasn't getting arrested, and passed the sobriety tests. I got a standing ovation from 25 strangers
Its a sad when the highlight of your day is flicking a booger and actually getting it to stick to your computer monitor.
I've already planned a drinking game for mtvs jersey shore....jagerbomb everytime they do
the owner gave me a free bottle of vodka and a 12pack of red bull if i agreed to leave. my drunken antics are finally paying off.
I'm going as Jenn Sterger if she answered Favre's calls and ended up in a trash can. If I don't get laid tonight I'm going to be pissed
Sorry about blasting sandstorm on a loop when i left for work this morning. But maybe this will teach you to not come home trashed on a tuesday night with some chick and have loud sex till 4 in the morning. The walls are thin, remember?
I feel like strippers are like dogs, the more you show you're terrified the faster they come at you.
Yeah bro I don't know how she's gonna explain the black eye, how else do you tell your boss "my knee hit me in the face during sex last night"
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
Well if homeless lesbian experimenting divorcée is your new M.O., you're gonna need to start drinking more anyway so if that's what it takes to talk about it tomorrow afternoon, bottoms up bitch
Can I trade you chipotle for a pregnancy test?
Omg. I just remembered my underwear is in my wallet
Pretty sure we had a civil war reenactment in your kitchen at 4am.
That would explain the cannon.
She was cleaning herself at the bus stop. She also picked up gum off the ground and ate it
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