I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
i really did not know you could catch crabs from a sofa until now
you kept telling us that in dog beers you only had one
God damn him and his understanding ways and little hip muscle things.
You are number one in my heart. But in the dick Olympics you're disqualified.
I cannot tell if the couch is cold or I spilled beer. THAT kind of night.
Just sucked a bong hit straight from my girlfriends mouth & pretended I was a Dementor. Life just 87% more like HP.
And then I cried about the Cubs for a half hour. If my dignity hadn't already been lost by that point in the night, it sure as hell was then.
Just saw a government minister puke and rally.
I think the lady at jack in the box started crying when we put in our order.
Can I fire a pigeon out of a t shirt gun?
But truly, sorry about your empty vagina
Thanks boo.
She took me into the bathroom and force fed me a panini, it was pretty good.
so i fell out of a tree on the ave last night. someone told me there was alcohol at the top. bastards.
My life is far to together for someone who's such a hot mess inside
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