Every time there's an awkward silence a gay baby is born
Racial profiling caused me to miss two cabs but the third cabs the charm - he's playing Jesus Music
i think at one point throughout the night i began eating birthday cake with a q-tip.
the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
just added God to my list of friends who can only see my limited profile on facebook. its such a relief to know that He can't watch me fuck up my life anymore.
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
Your philanthropic work just got me laid, thanks dad for naming me #2.
You ordered 6 boxes of pizza and laughed in the pizza guys face when you didn't pay for any of them.
She peed in the limo. She stood up and pulled up her dress and peed on the floor of the limo.
Because Kyle had a tattoo kit at his house and I wanted one and all he could draw was a mustache or a stickman on fire
She just drunkenly falls over and yells " I lost my footing!" in a british accent and then proceeds to run into the wall... did you spike her water?
Definitely just threw up in a mcds cup going through Wendy's drive thru. I'm way to hungover to go to work today
I didn't know that all of his brothers would be hot and musical too. That's a dick move on behalf of biology.
Thank you, BTW, for defiling my bed. Glad it was done well.
I'm sorry, but the bed has won this battle. I got up, changed my shirt, combed my hair, put on some deodorant, and then looked at my bed and got back in
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