I hate my date so much right now for even thinking I want to do the electric slide.
A hot woman with candy. This is what heaven is filled with
Haha I wonder if my burp offended him. So I gave him a fist pump to signify how friendly I am
After all you put him through, I think it was only right that you saluted the bartender when you left.
I was blowdrying my hair this morning and I swear to god it smelled like franzia
She told me to wait on the sofa while she freshened up. She's been in the bathroom for an hour. I have a bad feeling about this.
Well if you're drunk enough to make some mistakes this week I'd be down to redeem myself for my poor performance.
Technically ya I did. Hes tried to get down my pants like 3 times now and every time I have been all "these are not the Droids you are looking for"
A baby just tried to pull out his mom's huge tits at work today and nearly succeeded. I was silently cheering for the little guy.
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
WHEN THE HELL DOES ANYTHING IN OUR LIVES *EVER* GO AS PLANNED???
Currently using my kid's computer to charge my vibrator. #thisis30ish
That wasn't even sex. That was a fuckoning
...did you just create a word for what we did?
I remember turning to Jon after doing a line of coke and saying "I was a Girl Scout"
the sex is SO much better when he thinks im going insane
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