My liver just broke up with me...
Idk man, it felt like my skin was a suit and I could feel it zipping up my side and up to my mouth. And then my head felt like a ventriloquist dummy's head, with the jaw thing..it was freaky, dude
You think that's a metaphor for anything, champ?
Shut the hell up.
no one is going to fuck you in a field of bunnies
you called to congratulate me on being the reason you lost never have i ever
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
Do you need a place to sleep? Cause I fucked in the guestroom a few weeks ago and never washed the sheets. But if you don't care neither do I.
You coming home soon, man?
HENBARSCLOSE
I'm already mentally preparing myself for the fact that I'll probably be sleeping next to a toilet.
She greeted me with a new giants jersey and an opening day blowjob. this is true love.
We just set the fire alarm off with a fog machine. What's my first instinct? Finish my drink. I think I handled that correctly.
Technically my penis started a fight tonight
Nothing says I'll be 22 tomorrow like washing the vomit out of your hair at 4pm
I think when your throwing up on the highway on the way to pick up your mom from the airport is a sign to slow down.
i told them you weren't like that.. and they laughed at me?
I gave him breakup sex, AGAIN
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