is it bad that i kinda- ok, reallyyy don't remember having sex with him last night?
Why is my head in the toilet this morning but there is vomit behind the toilet
Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
everything is bigger in texas. Including my drinking problem.
Just saw an Asian kid crash into the bike rack with his bike. I love sitting outside the engineering building.
He kept singing "who's that peekin in my window" we thought he was high til we realized someone was lookin in the windows.
He took a shot, then proceeded to puke into the bucket he was iceing his broken foot in
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
Its raining shots and i keep catching them in my mouth like you with dicks shits crazy
Strange request but for my birthday you should get me one of those vibrators that you can plug into your iPod that go along with the music.
What procrastination leads to: I have submitted a third of my job applications this week with a BAC that would get me arrested
I cannot pick him out of a line up. I remember he is blonde and his half flaccid dick looks like gonzo. So unless he pulls down his pants I don't know who he is
I was totes going to lose it to him last night, but I cried and we ate mexican food instead.
Always great to be boarding a plane when you realize that what you thought was gas is actually very untrustworthy
It'd be good to change things up a bit, right now the only public service I'm doing from my apt is hanging out in my underwear with the lights on.
Randomize
