Youll never guess who has to go to fucking planned parenthood because trojan cant make a fucking condom
this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
My vagina is so ashamed right now. It won't even look at me.
Fuck the gym. I just shaved m'cooch and my pants now fit looser.... Dont judge me.
Can I use you as a job reference? Don't tell them i got you fired cause I banged you tho
MY DOG FOUND A BAG OF COKE ON THE SIDE OF THE ROAD!!!!!!!!!!!
AND ITS GOOD STUFF TOO!!!!!! AHHH!!!!!!
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
I'm sorry. I know you didn't expect me to be arm deep in vagina when you walked through the door.
He got violent drunk so we have to untie him in the morning. He's in your basement and you're out of electrical tape. Don't forget because I will.
I need to find more Xanax, my Grandpa doesent leave for another week and he's made it a mission to get me to come out of the closet as a xmas gift to my parents.
Reading old FB posts. Why did I ever stop drinking?
Your resume just got faxed, I also modified it a bit and sent it to strip clubs...expect weird phone calls...
if it looks like there's being an exorcism being performed you know your doing something right.
I'm going to give you the best blowjob of your life. And yes you can use my mom's printer.
...and if you can get the necessary ingredients to make the Buffalo Chicken Melt, I will latch forever at your Teat of Justice.
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