did the hipsters beat you up because you are more ironic than they are?
we played lady & the tramp with a hash brown from McDonald's....im in love.
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
The guy I fucked last night is well worth up the ass tuition. I just wish I could tell dad thanks!
Blonde 1 is sitting on the floor crying and blonde 2 is asleep with her face in the toilet. This isn't what I had in mind when they asked me back
the "its better than getting an actual virus from an actual porn star" argument failed.
some people offered us free beer as long as we shotgunned it and after you shotgunned four without pausing they took their offer back
It's a sign that no dudes december is about to start: I have a yeast infection.
she said i was like a little lamb and she felt bad for luring me into her den of sin. then she blew me.
Being a virgin isn't supposed to be this easy for you.
At one point they were sandwiching me, both petting my stomach, mad dogging each other. Then they somehow telepathically decided to both try to pull my pants down. Such nice guys.
He called us the '3 Amigos' and told us if hos ex wife came we had to jump the porch railing and hide in the bushes.
I have alcoholic tendencies but you know what? College
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
You're at a grade school volley ball game with a yeti of tequila. You've passed extra
I have peed in a lot of sinks
Randomize
