k, so I just picked a four leaf clover, then saw my dads penis. Lucky? I think not.
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
At what point should i just give my brother a break and stop sleeping with his friends?
Sometimes I wonder how you ever made friends then I remember it's because you blew your way to semi-relevance
Well, I'm at the grocery store wondering whether I exist or not.
He brought her home and fucked her in a gingerbread man costume in a cardboard rapunzel castle. He had a pretty good night.
I'm watching porn in spanish. Thats studying right?
I am lonely and hungry. I need a girlfriend, but I'd settle for my mom.
So how do I get back in good graces for trying to trade you for superbowl tickets?
Too bad Amazon Prime wouldn't get the wine bra flask to you in time. Concealed alcohol and huge tits? Win-win.
I ran into a wall that clearly had things popping out. My eyebrow was bruised, both arms, the bottom of my foot. Lost half of my finger nail, my fake eyelash was stuck in my hair and I have about 47 blurry pictures of a half naked zombie DJ.
I have seen you puke and 5 mins later rock my world. So there is hotness there that average people will never see..
roommates are droppin acid, i really should stop them from staring directly at the light bulb, but their giggles are so enchanting.
Literally just stood behind a guy in line at Walmart get his card declined when he attempted to purchase condoms. That's rock bottom.
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