Seriously, stop being so datable w your movie/song prefs
I drank enough to make her look pretty . . It worked and i threw up while going at it
I feel like death. And death is wearing a fleece blanket as a dress. And is seriously contemplating wearing this to go get something to eat.
I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
halloween makes it hard to decipher real cops... from sexy men dressed up as them.
you were sleeping on the floor, then you woke up and told me you were not comfy enough. You took the carpet in the bathroom put it in the bath and you slept there.
8$ liquor pitchers. I'm gonna wear two or three pairs of underwear so when drunk me takes them off there'll still be a pair on.
If letting him bang me while i'm wearing reindeer antlers and a painted red nose isn't the christmas spirit, I dont know what is
so do you, all the weight can't fall on me. I'll befriend a ball pit owner if you will befriend a drug dealer. teamwork.
Please stop leaving drunk voicemails with your new black/Irish accent.
White grape blunt wraps are like the equivalent of a glass of wine in a tux.
I don't know what he did to me, but he did it wrong. I think my pelvis is broken. I cant even drive without it hurting. What. The. Fuck.
Don't underestimate her when she starts going by "the vodka queen"
Woke up this morning with a plate of ravioli in my bed. Who says being single can't be fun?
So I forgot to ask, how was that bartender you slept with two weeks ago?
Google chlamydia.
Randomize
