Almost ran you over in the parking lot. You look good
i have a new swear word: supercalifuckaliciousexpialadamnit
Encyclopedia Brown and the case of the missing condom.
I hope Brown isn't a clue to its whereabouts.
I'm good, just tired from chardonnay and giving hand jobs.
Sorry I couldn't answer your call, I'm expecting a call from Chris Hansen.
I'm guessing you didn't end up going to the bar last night.
Nope. Ended up at what I believe was a slumber party down the street.
i convinced her i need a blow job every morning to wake up because i have a medical condition.
The only thing stopping me from having sex with you in my parents jacuzzi bathtub is the knowledge that they've already had that idea themselves
There is not greater feeling than lying to your boss and leaving work to shit in the comfort of your own home
New brilliant plan: invite two random okcupid girls to the same bar at the same time, have them compete
bro your seconds weren't very sloppy last night, is everything ok?
For the first time in my life, I may be the most normal person in the room.
Update: I am definitely the most normal person in this room. And the least tattooed.
DIBS ON THE NEW GUY.
NO. NO FUCKING YOUR COWORKERS
I knew my bag made it because I could smell the fireball that spilled inside of my suitcase before it was on the luggage carousel.
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
He put a doughnut around his dick and I ate it. What can I say. It was a good fucking night.
Randomize
