I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
i tried to get you to come inside, but you insisted on throwing up in the flowers "because they're pretty."
I wish you could buy pregnancy test at the liquor store, it's the only place I feel comfortable being a disgrace because I know they understand why it happened...
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
We got a 5L jug of wine for 3 Euro. Italy was a good choice.
As girls, Bert & Ernie are not very bangable costumes. At least not by who we'd want to get banged by.
I was kidding. But I promise you I'd still find us the most eligible bangables, even if we dressed up like a dumpster and a prom night baby.
Note to self. Don't order a $10 bottle of wine on a 40 min flight because it seems like a good deal.
God you're perfect.
I am. So drunk right now. Good work, Frontier.
The cougar has a calendar on her wall of when she can give topless handjobs again. I pity her husband.
Btw. Being a stripper for a week without anyone knowing to pay off my school loan is no longer in my agenda.
I'm sorry I peed on myself in front of your boy toy. You should tell him I'm usually not that trashy. It was nice meeting him tho..
First contact since we had sex and it's to get my HBO password. I sure pick winners huh
you hit your head on the sneeze guard and passed out at Pizza Hut they called the police
My New Years resolution is to not hook up with random guys.
Mine is to not hook up with anyone who has a kid.
Woke up to find my underwear in my purse to only remember I took them off at the airport
Randomize
