I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
Call meee
Ok, but just to warn you, I'm as drunk as a Kennedy right now...
Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
so i just realized i am an alcoholic. I was making some tomato soup because im still sick, and put vodka in it. sad huh? lets go out!
The problem with having your drunkeness documented at a wedding is not only does it show up all over facebook, but all over professional photography websites.
It was a new level of awkwardness and terror. The high schoolers you fuck in the summer should never introduce themselves to your mom and godmother
Its funny how you denied every part of the text except " you hate fat ppl"
He's trying to impress me with how much money he makes. How does he know me so well?
Some old chick is rubbing my thigh and saying she needs some Memorial Day dick. Her teeth are kind of gross but I'm going for it.
We couldn't find the paddle I had gotten so he just spanked with my tennis raquet
I woke up hugging a box of cheerios that had "wonder woman" written in sharpie on it. So much for a sober night.
She wouldnt stop trying to stick her finger in my ass. I wish she wasnt so hot
Also I'm sorry for asking you to shave my vagina for me last night
I may or may not be sitting in a bubble bath drinking wine, watching Jurassic park, and wearing a Russian fur hat.
He literally shouted this Viking war cry when he cam. Then as we laid there he sang me the most beautiful rendition of " When Irish Eyes are Smiling". I've never been more confused.
Randomize
