at 4 in the morning i heated a family sized mac n cheese for a minute and decided to eat it frozen cuz I didn't wanna wait for that long
It wasn't a wasted relationship. I got road-head in an Escalade. I still keep that with me.
dont worry about it. i always have emergency bong water with me
Lesson learned. Whipped cream will eat through a condom.
I'm wearing the jeans from casino night. Tell me why I have a napkin in my pocket that says 'dont fear me'? I'm hoping it was just a coincidence.
you told that cab driver that when the 3 of us come togehter it means happiness and love
Why is it that every study session with you turns into a hunt for drugs?
So his 25th anniversary post of love to his wife was almost verbatim what he said to me last week. Does that mean I win or lose?
What part of don't open in front of your kids didn't you understand? Astroglide, magnums, fuzzy handcuffs and a blindfold are going to be hard to explain as friends presents.
Yeah. I don't know. I'm just gonna show up at her place on valentines day with a jock strap, box of chocolates, and rose clenched between my ass cheeks with "be mine" written across my glorious man titties.
Do you have a moment to talk about our lord and savior, Kendra's boobs?
Why does fireball set life on fire? Your insides, your head, your behavior...
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog
I'm either hallucinating or there is a dying cat outside my apartment....
scale of one to ten how loathsome is it to save my chocolate easter bunny to use for a topping on my edibles
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