he like comes into my room and is like..."can you fix my pants" and then just drops trou
Sorry if I'm being weird. I'm dipping doritos in cabernet.
hey im home...im not sure how this mcdonalds got here but whatever im gonna eat it anyway.
He woke up in the ambulance thinking he was still in the club.
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
They're making him take his shirt off cause they think he's the bouncer. We're in his backyard.
if you didn' use the plastic sword on the cop. maybe this wouldn't have happened.
I am drinking fireball and apple juice out of a sippy cup like a fucking toddler.
HAPPY BIRTHDAY I ATE TOO MUCH OF AN EDIBLE AND TOLD MY BARISTA I LOVED HER
He seems like a nice guy. I mean, I know he's married and he's essentially paying me to be his side hoe, but he really seems like a good person.
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
Also, you fell asleep with you hand on and around my cock last night.
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
Turns out tits aren't quite as effective an enticement when they know for a fact that they can't touch.
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