Can I come over?
Can't... I'm at class right now.
No your not
I'm outside by your car.
now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
apparently red wine has the total opposite effect that whiskey does on his dick
I found your twin in sf. His name is ryan. And you are the evil one.
Have you ever noticed how boring internet porn is after you cum? I can't shut my computer fast enough.
Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
Had to make a piece of abstract art. Your dick is in it
its sad im about to start saving up for how drunk i need to be for the holidays
Sex last night was mind blowing. your wife is one lucky lady.
Evvvvvveryone knows we hooked up in the DJ booth. People call it the BJ booth now. I've created a legacy
I sexted him with a GIF from titanic and it worked....
My talents include parallel parking and over reacting about absolutely everything.. And drinking..
He's a waste of a perfectly good penis.
For some reason, my alarm clock was unplugged & in the kitchen microwave. I don't remember doing that...
Dude, she stopped mid blow job to ask the cat's name. ADHD might be a deal breaker after all.
Randomize
