At my boss' house at a bbq. Had a few beers. Taking a poop - there's no TP...this is my nightmare.
I'm having a terrible night. Can I sleep over?
Too tired to pretend that I care : (
So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
If you die in college, do you die in real life?
what part of covering your puke with shaving cream seemed like a good idea?
U know u have sex too much when u have lube in ur rolliball on ur blackberry
please stop referring to my baby as "your little fucker"
No, you dont understand, he literately fucked me into a new hairstyle, quite nice too.
She told me she eats fruit when she's hungover because it has more water than water.
he has this weird thing where he watches me pee
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
I owe you cheese. The drunk munchies don't acknowledge food ownership.
I kept having to give myself encouraging advice like, "you know how a path works"
That is cause you are some weird type of mutant that lives off of Alcohol.
All our friends are getting married, and I'm the dateless guy bringing molly to their weddings.
Randomize
