none of my boyfriends are responding right now, I thought I had enough to avoid this problem
i just took a sip of diet coke and i said " as soon as it hits my lips i wanna smoke a cig." then i thought of your dick.
Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
Definitely just saw a grown man at wal mart wearing high heels and carrying a baby
What the fuck were you doing at wal mart?
You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative
I had to drink heavily last night because I needed to forget that you told me you want to blow my dad.
You would ignore him even if it wasn't NoManUary. It could be the Winter of a Thousand Dicks and you wouldn't talk to that guy.
The Winter of A Thousand Dicks sounds terrifying!!!
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
I want to be "performing a disservice to society by actually wearing clothes in public" hot.
I just tinder matched with a blue angels pilot. I need to make out with him. For America.
We dated for a month and a half. he didn't like blow jobs. I honestly don't think he was human.
HELP! I GOT DRUNK IN THE LIVING ROOM AND CANT GET UP UPSTAIRS
i just used a selfie stick to take an ass pic. i hate myself.
what a classic moment of my life. A buffet of taco bell and a taser gun.
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
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