I can't watch pbs sober anymore
just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
singing james blunt while drunk. tell me thats not wonderful
i called my brother from the living room and paid him a dollar to turn off the light in my room. ive hit rock bottom
we were going to warn you, but we veto-ed that idea somewhere between "this is the stupidest thing we've ever done" and "let's order a pizza"
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
There are parrots here and they're headbanging to the music. There's also a clown and a pit bull that can jump onto tables. Too high for this shit.
officially hit rock bottom.. been yelling through the vent in my room to my little brother trying to convince him to get me water for the past two hours. i fear feeling the full effect of my hangover if i stand.
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
Im blowing my nose and the only thing coming out is beer
I went home with a guy last night because he showed me some magic tricks and kept shouting "THEY'RE ILLUSIONS MICHAEL!"
I haven't showered. And am sitting in the office smelling like a beer can someone's been using as an ash tray.
It's your birthday, you should get to jizz where you want to. Jizz when you want tooo
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
She can be as judgemental as she wants. But she thinks the female orgasm is a myth so who is really winning here...
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