He IMed me 5 times, before my homepage even loaded. This is not gonna work out for me
So me and friend just finished Eiffel towering this girl and sounds great in theory but after the high five has commenced its just a weird threesome especially when you make eye contact with your buddy during the session
He's drinking red wine in a margarita glass. He couldn't be more perfect for me.
Some guy stole lobsters by hiding them in his pants. We should strive to be like him.
She says she'll teach me how to make her squirt tonight so yea, I'm bailing again. I'm not sayin sorry since you don't have a better offer.
Im embracing the luau theme and maybe bringing a kiddie pool filled with alcohol. Im also embracing the high probability I will not remember this night.
You'll get a boner for sure
Way ahead of you. Kinda awkward while paying rent but hey
And I might have stolen a bag of Doritos out of Matt's car and hid them in my bag and gave individual chips out to people dancing, trying to convince people they were mini tacos.. Like why Am I allowed to be an adult
We need to talk about your improper dealings with the town drug dealer.
Would you still love me if my nipple fell off?
Should we go get some celebratory "I'm not pregnant" tacos?
A to Z: fucking your way through the alphabet
It'll be a kids book
So, I woke up under a table with an alarm clock on my face, my hair in a bag of popcorn, and my phone charger wrapped around me.. what happened?
Do you think the hole in the ceiling will count against our security deposit?
Leave it to my mom and I to turn the hearing into a drinking game.
Randomize
