I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
Hes far too high and trying to explain daylight savings time to me. Help?
There's two girls at the bar sniffing each others boobs.
while we were dancing I voluntarily took my bra off and hung it around his neck as a necklace. 2011 lets go
This is absurd. I need a man. Or even a moderately-clean hobo will do at this point.
I can feel myself smiling like 10 minutes after I stop smiling, and that's just like... so awesome.
I have to be at work in a hour. Can you sufficiently fuck me in 35 minutes?
I don't know. Something about answering "what did you do on Sunday?" Seems odd when the reply is, painted, went to the grocery store, put a restraint device on my bed.
Then me, her, and her mom snorted tequila. The bartender was in shock.
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
I can't even masturbate without crying fuck this break up
Lol I think I might have been a little aggressive last night there is a blue ass print from your jeans on my wall
Cleaned the whole house at 7:30 and after cleaning the bathroom I think I had cocaine on my sweatpants
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
I can't possibly be the only person who has ever eaten Cheetos with a spoon to avoid the powder getting in my fingers
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