Do you know how hard it is to masturbate with a runny nose?
If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
Dude just slipped a $20 into the jukebox at that restaurant we were escorted out of last Mardi GRAS. Hope they enjoy Justin Bieber's Baby cause they're gonna hear it 40 fucking times.
I have to fuck proof my bed. It was in the middle of the room this time.
You defs just slept for 6 hours in a porta pottie. You should probably just kill yourself.
My phone saved "first signs of pregnancy" as a most visited search.
ALSO, I NEED TO BORROW A CAT. ASAP
We just had father kitten bonding time .. I was on the toilet , he was climbing the animal print shower curtain . It was magical�
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
In other news my cocaine dealer got arrested for heaving some kid out of a fourth story window.
Those were some damn good pancakes you made last night.
Dude I've been in FL since Monday.
I'm going to try and loofah my hangover away.
Update: It didn't work
I actually haven't slept with anyone in a while. I think my whore phase is just seasonal.
You shouldn't play strip poker when you're having a wet fart kind of day.
My one night stand asked me out to dinner. When he came to pick me up I got in the back seat. I thought he sent an uber. Awkward.
Randomize
