I think I tried picking up these girls last night by asking them what their favorite color was...I obviously woke up alone
I am spending my child support on dildos
I just got while a charlie horse while orgasming...most confusing feeling ever...
will i regret this in the morrning? probably. but every decision is good during happy hour
I just spent a solid 3 minutes trying to figure out how to send a smell through my phone
Hey, I'm making progress. I haven't thrown up in a bar while wearing a sweater vest in almost two months.
Her delivery came. She's ordered a pack of 144 condoms.
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
I totally just pulled my thong out of my purse at the grocery store. Oops.
A unicorn in pinstripe pants just got on the J at Dolores stop. It can only be a good night
Basically all I do anymore is get stoned with my cats, and then we share goldfish.
I need you to teach me how to be roommates with somebody I'm not fucking.
I officially have worse injuries from a baby shower than roller derby.
Dude!! Who the fuck glued Cheetos to my couch? Bastards!!
I woke up naked in a tent. I was more upset that the air mattress had deflated.
Randomize
