I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
Uhh, there's a legit bruise on my boob.. Again how does he manage this
I'm having a hard time existing right now. When I figure out how it works ill be over.
Drinking and pointing where stuff needs to go is hard stuff.
Whenever you're sad about your life, just remember that I'm on a first name basis with the late night taco bell drive-thru workers.
I feel as bad as you right now. I'm about to use one girls car to go see another one
Fuck ya. But normally I drove one girls car picking up a different girl while texting another girl lol
For real, I've been ditched by my boyfriend twice today alone. I fucking shaved for this guy.
Somewhere out there, Gloria Steinem just started to cry.
Probably for the best. My morning wood is pretty horrible. I wouldn't want to tip the earth's axis/ create a new magnetic pole
"Do You Wanna Build a Snowman" came on while I was riding his dick. I had to take a moment.
I just traded a couple nudes for pizza delivery. Call me lazy, easy, or an entrepreneur, but either way I'll have dominoes in 15 minutes.
Far too many of our conversations end in us talking about sperm
First. I had the strength. Now. I am the death.
I'm killing it this week, I've peed my pants and put my vibrator into the washing machine.
Currently doing the walk of shame out of some random girls house with my boyfriend. Talk about relationship goals.
But he said I was unpatriotic for not having sex with him. What was I suppose to say to that?
Randomize
