oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
Is he smart?
Why would i know that. That would deal with the top half of his body. I only deal with the bottom half.
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
Def regretting not writing "will blow for extra credit" on my last final
How many times can I tell him that I wasn't expecting sex before he finally figures out that I'm just too lazy to shave?
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
Wow, im gonna be a great doctor..."hi let me save your life but first check out this pic of me deep throating a handle of grey goose"
Craig, a bottle of Jamison, and I had a party on the roof last night. No idea how I got down. My injuries indicate fall...
The random guy I fucked from craigslist said I had the best smile. I take compliments where i can get them
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
So did you grab that log full of poison ivy for the fire and then apparently take a piss on Saturday night too or was that just me?
will we ever learn or are we destined for a life of poison ivy covered balls?
i'm not saying you're gay. i'm just saying all my gay friends think you have a great ass.
I showed him my machete and then we made out in the kitchen
Sorry, I gave half my brain to my thesis and the other half to mdma
High. As. Fuck. I thought the kid next to me didn't have an arm for like 2 hours.
Hahahaha I'm glad you woke me up with this text.
Randomize
