If there is ever a next time, care about me enough to lube it up no matter what my drunk ass says
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
You make shower sex sound like waterboarding
Girl next to me in class just said to her friend "and I haven't even cried yet." Challenge accepted
My professor just used the phrase "balls deep in your mind". My day is officially made.
we're meeting twins and drinking tequila. i love life
Want to get high and go thrifting? I'm trying to succeed making my dorm look like a deranged Applebees.
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
I want to get business cards and hand them to hot guys and say " hey if you ever want to like makeout and pretend it never happened call me"
He always takes me to get taco bell after we hook up in his car. It's sort of become a booty call tradition.
Was booty called last night and I was so blacked out that my roomie made me puke before going to "eye of the tiger." Why I'm still single is beyond me
Is there one of me peeing? If so do I look bangable in it
I haven’t sent any nudes yet in 2018.
That’s not true...is it?
how did i manage to wake up with my bra on backwards?
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
Randomize
